Flying.

It felt like flying…

The wind rushing past my ears, so fast, yet it didn’t scared me. I knew I was falling from some immeasurable distance. It was like a dream, falling, but not a nightmare. I can not see anything but darkness, but I feel myself falling to some far away ground.

I remember my life. Full of turmoil and pain. Family that did not understand me. Friends that could never get through to me. I lived in sadness, misery. I wanted freedom to live, but felt constricted by life. Some called me depressed, I called myself sad. I remember some of it and it hurts.

I remember coming home. I remember pressing the button that moved the box up to the 18th floor apartment I shared with my wife. A woman too caught up in her own anxiety to really love me. I remember the hallway, the smell of foul cooking and other things i wish i didn’t smell. The paint dry and cracked, the carpet worn and stained. It wasn’t a high-end condo, but it was a place to shelter one from storms. The storms in my head still drenched me though.

The door was in front of me. The familiar grey of painted wood. It was locked and I had to search for my keys. The lock turned and I opened the door, immediately greeted by the cat my wife called Lily. She wasn’t an intrusive animal, she greeted me quickly and moved on. I placed my knapsack on the chair beside the closet and shut the door behind me.

There was no scent of cooking in the apartment. This was not something my wife did on any occasion. There was a sound though, a low murmur, almost too quiet to hear, but I heard it. It came from the room I shared with that woman. I felt myself drawn to it, knowing full well what that sound meant. I moved through the apartment in slow motion. Stepping over the various piles of god knows what.

The door was visible. There was light shining from below where the door almost met the floor. I moved as if through water. My head swimming along with my body. I reached the door and placed my hand on the knob. The murmurs were louder now. I knew what I would find and hated the fact that I had to know. I turned the knob and pushed.

There they were, on the bed, lovers in their sinful embrace. I stood in the doorway watching them. I knew they knew I was watching. The sick pair didn’t care. She lay on top of him as if i wasn’t even in the room. It was too much to see, too much to try to fathom. I turned from them and closed the door as I walked back to the kitchen. I needed a drink, something to eat.

They didn’t come out. They never did. From the first day I caught them, they never bothered to come out. They just rot in there to spite me. I couldn’t handle it any more  I moved to the balcony that overlooked the city. Hands on the rails I lifted myself up and over. I felt, for the first time, powerful and in control.

It felt like flying…

The wind rushing past my ears, so fast, yet it didn’t scared me. I knew i was falling from some immeasurable distance. It was like a dream, falling, but not a nightmare. I can not see anything but darkness, but i feel myself falling to some far away ground. I am falling from my nightmare and to a peace I never had before.

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